It is always difficult for me to decide what to write about when I get on here. The weather, sports and religion are probably the most common things people talk about on blogs. So they seem like obvious topics worthy of discussion. But they don't seem like good choices for me. I am really not a weather, sports or religion kinda gal and especially since I don't watch TV anymore I don't have a clue what is going on with any of these topics anyways. Anything I would say related to these fine topics would be helplessly ignorant. What I usually do when I write is just wing it, like most things in life and see what happens. Yes I usually write for a good ten to twenty minutes before I even look back and read what I have written. Sometimes I am pleasantly surprised by my insight and sense of humor and sometimes I have it totally wrong and have to completely erase what I have written. Mostly, I just find writing to be completely cathartic and enjoyable so I write for cheap personal therapy it provides me. It also helps that I hear so many positive comments from my loyal readers too so keep sending me your feedback. It means a lot to me.
Today will be much the same. I am just going to write for awhile and see what happens. So it probably goes without saying that it might jump around a bit as a result. Anyhow, here goes. A quote that I heard at a retirement party last month that really struck a chord with me was, "You can't be lost, if you dont know where you are going". I don't know the origin of this quote and perhaps it isn't even a famous one, but I do know that it seems very reassuring to me at this point in my life. I often find myself feeling lost on the road of life. We have already established that I get lost easily when navigating actual streets and neighborhoods, but lately I seem to get lost in the arena of life's purpose. I think this is primarily related to me having brain surgery a few years ago and not always knowing the best way to deal with the emotional aftermath from that whole ordeal. The quote reminds me that since I don't yet know exactly where I want to go or what exactly I want to be when I grow up, then I am not actually lost. I just need to spend some time sorting things out and deciding where I want to go, then I can worry about how to get there and until then I am not actually lost. At least this is what I now tell myself.
One little side note here. Well actually two little side notes. I am much more sore today than I was yesterday. Apparently, my little acrobatic weight training workout with Super Woman had a two day pain delay. I hear this is typical to be more sore the second day after a workout, but this is my first personal experience with this particular pain phenomenon. At least, it is the first one I remember. It stinks, but I will survive. The other thing (and I am adding this after completing the post) I realize why I had so much more time to analyze stuff today. It is because my kids are with Grandma and Grandpa and I am alone at the libary with no other human beings under my jurisdiction so we have the kids to blame for the differnt tone to this one.
Imagine having a regular boring old life. You know one with a job, a husband, a young baby, a house, a car; you get the idea. You lead a very average existence. Then imagine waking up one day and developing a severe headache that sends you to the hospital emergency room, only to learn that you have an incurable condition inside your brain that will require emergency surgery to treat and that may affect your mental acquity and physical fitness forever. It will require significant recovery time and ongoing monitoring and ultimately it will forever change your life. You get no choice in the matter. You get no vote about the whole ordeal. It just happens to you. How would you deal with that? How would you return to the same life? Could you even do it? How would you relate to other people on a daily basis? I have struggled with these and many other related questions for the past four years.
At the time of my surgery, I was young, active and very healthy. I always had been healthy. Perfect attendace was attained several years in grade school compliments of my good health and I even have the silly little certificates as proof. The surgery rendered me temporarily useless, both mentally and physically. For a few weeks, I really had no reassurance that everything would be fine. Fortunately for me, I endured a few months of challenging recovery and now lead a very normal, average, existence again. I am one of the lucky ones. Most people with hydrocephalus are not nearly as fortunate as I. Most end up in and out of hospitals with various complications. Other than the initial intracranial hemmorhage that I suffered right after my surgery, I have been complication free. I just knocked on wood, so no worries. However, I can never look at headaches the same. Now when I get a headache I am forced to worry that it might be more than just your average, garden variety, headache. I worry that it might be a symptom of something more serious. Wow, I just reread what I have been writing and I am getting a little emotional and dark here. It must be my hormones or my uterus problem or a combination of both! I am going to move on before my writing gets completey out of control.
Television, focus on the television, Veronica. Okay, so we are still TV free at our house. We did play bowling on the Wii last night at Jeff's parents and that was fun, but there is no television whatsoever happening inside our home. Life is still good for the most part other than when I have too much time on my hands to think about life's purpose then I start to over analyze life and then I get stuck in a funk evidenced by today's post. Anyhow, I am going to get off the computer before I write something totally humiliating and don't worry I am not in need of a shrink, just a glass (or two or three) of wine and some good company. Both of which will be found at dinner with the in-laws tonight, thank goodness!